Monday, December 26, 2016

* Healing from a Broken Heart *

I feel like I literally just woke up from a long long slumber.
Actually 2016 has been just a numbing year. I've had many many days/weeks that I just didn't want to get out of bed. To be honest, I have gone almost full months of not leaving my place. 

At first, I was like ok take your time. Rest. Do what you need. 
Then a month went by and I felt like I should .. do something. Get up. Wake up! Mentally and physically. But no matter what I told myself or how many inspirational books/quotes I read, I just... didn't want to. 

Just waiting. I don't know. For things to make sense? To have that moment kick in when I would be like OMG YES. I'M READY WORLD. 

But the more I wanted it to come, the more I felt I was digging deeper and deeper into this hole. Wanting to just.. be alone. 
(Looking back, it makes sense. I was healing. And like any wound, you need to give yourself time to repair... as impatient and uncomfortable as you may be. Just let yourself be). 

Retracing my steps of how I got "here," things started to set in motion back in 2014. I could feel the climax building. And I just.. kept it down. Suppressed my emotions and feelings for the greater good of everyone around me. And then 2015 happened. 2015 emotionally slaughtered me. In every direction. From people I loved the most. From the people I gave everything to.

You know that saying... sometimes the people you love the most, hurt you the worst. 

Maybe part of me didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing how much they hurt me that I just.. went numb. I've also been told most of my life to not be so emotional or sensitive. So I learned in such a bad way to suppress my feelings. To be strong! 

But truth was, I was and have been.. brokenhearted by it all. My heart shattered. 

I was so hurt and mad. So angry. How could you? I.. trusted you. 
And no matter how much I twisted from it, I couldn't break free from this resentment and anger. I felt shackled to this ball of pain... only wanting to fly away. 

Oh how I've been wanting to fly. To break free. To set myself free. I mean if I can't be my own hero, who can be? And when that wasn't happening, I almost felt like I wanted to go to those who caused this pain and demand that they give back the pieces they took from me. Hold them accountable for their actions! 

And tonight, that's when it clicked. I couldn't break free and let go because I didn't want to. Not because I wanted to continue to feel mad but because I wanted them to be accountable. And it wasn't fair they get to just walk away. 

But I finally heard the universe. 

It's not up to me to make them own up or take responsibility. In the haze of my own pain, I forgot that they're suffering too. They have been hurting for a long long time. Far before I even came into the picture. And through their own internal struggles, their lens became unfocused. And their decisions made from the very fears they've been trying to run away from. Hurt people hurt others. I have done the same. 

I realized, I no longer want to be part of that cycle. I no longer want to perpetuate that negative energy. And suddenly none of the pettiness mattered. It had always been petty only magnified through narrow perspectives and ego. All of it unworthy of any of my attention or time. 

Bye Felicia. 
Girl aint got time for that. 

................................


Even though I knew I didn't want to hold on to anger anymore and forgiving someone is the best way to do that, I just couldn't do it. I had to untangle the knots of my own past experiences and why I personally couldn't forgive. And the key really was because of my need to have that person stop that behavior and realize the error in their ways so they don't hurt others. Judge and jury basically. 

The moment I said that out loud tonight, I immediately felt the release. It's not my responsibility. Just like only I can set myself free, the same goes for those who hurt me and everyone else who they will encounter. Everyone has their own trials to go through in their own time. Some never realize it or come to terms with their demons. 

But the beauty of life is that it will give you chance after chance to feel the light. And that light is love. The same love that created the universe and everything wonderful in it.. just for you. The love that you were born with. The love that you didn't have to do a damn thing to earn or be worthy of. It's always been there, unconditional.. overflowing... all around you. The love is of you and comes from you. That's why it never goes empty!

And when you accept that love, you step into the light. 
The light lifts you. 
You are weightless.
And that's when you can soar because.. you're free. 

I believe that's what they call peace. 





7 comments:

  1. Christine Chen. You are a beautiful soul. Thank you for vulnerably sharing a piece of yourself to inspire us all to be better. I really resonate with this post and with you. Let's talk soon! Love you!! -Julie Zhan

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  2. I've experienced similar feelings during 2016. What you said helped me realize some things and I thank you for that. You're amazing!

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  3. Hi Christine. Statements in this personal article have a core of a heart’s truth. It is brave and kind of you to reveal so openly personal struggles.
    Take this anxious care of your heart statement for example: “I realized, I no longer want to be part of that cycle. I no longer want to perpetuate that negative energy.”
    The paragraph just before this statement reveals your findings what is involved in the cycle. (GOOD for you)
    Now the goal is to use this knowledge to stay positive, (the trials still come) and grow beautiful seeds & scenery in your heart that match with your outward appearance. In other words, be the better, than what you were the day before. Pray for more faith, hope, and love in your heart.
    Always hoping the best for you, Me

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  4. I like you Christine!! ^_^ Your thoughts and ideas resonate with a lot of the things I think about too. Hope we can meet one day! <3

    Happy New years!! Here's a holiday gift from me, check it out! http://en.heartfulness.org/masterclass/

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  5. Christine, Happy New Years! Cheers to the new year, new slate.

    I hope you know, once you're ready to tackle the world.... you're going to do wonderful things and selflessly became who you were before it all happened. You sure did for me. Because I was the one girl from your Etsy store that ordered the "It's Just the Beginning" in gold letters... who wrote a long personal struggle about not knowing who I want to be.... doubting myself.... and I hope you know, reading your personal messages written on the back of the lettering and brown cardboard envelope, pasted with a pink paper cut out heart.... it inspiringly made a huge difference :) I know this is not the end for the both of us. This is currently YOUR new beginning! I can't wait to see what else you can do for the community and for yourself.

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  6. 没办法,我跟你讲我也不知道你看不看得懂多少简体字~ 反正这种伤害也好和黑暗也好会跟随您,但是解决的办法是你要通过一个个小小的成就去解决,不然很容易又回到抑郁的状态,就是找到兴趣点(我知道这个很难,因为负面情绪让你没办法有兴趣),但是尽量找到这个舞台,如果你一旦找到并且为之忙起来,你就开始了你的自信和积极,这个可以是兴奋剂,可以打破一切负面和黑暗,但是我要说他们还会时不时进去你的情绪来打击你,那个时候你就索性黑暗一阵子,给自己心灵放个假,难受那么一段时间!!!人生就这么30年青春,不要给自己太大压力,太大的EGO,太多的情绪,要随性!!!!要随性!!! 不要逼自己,在自己合理的情绪范围内,来提升自己!!!! 很多人都是崩溃的,没把握好的话!!! please use google translate if u cant read!!CUZ I REALLY WANT U READ WHAT I WROTE.

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