Monday, December 26, 2016

* Healing from a Broken Heart *

I feel like I literally just woke up from a long long slumber.
Actually 2016 has been just a numbing year. I've had many many days/weeks that I just didn't want to get out of bed. To be honest, I have gone almost full months of not leaving my place. 

At first, I was like ok take your time. Rest. Do what you need. 
Then a month went by and I felt like I should .. do something. Get up. Wake up! Mentally and physically. But no matter what I told myself or how many inspirational books/quotes I read, I just... didn't want to. 

Just waiting. I don't know. For things to make sense? To have that moment kick in when I would be like OMG YES. I'M READY WORLD. 

But the more I wanted it to come, the more I felt I was digging deeper and deeper into this hole. Wanting to just.. be alone. 
(Looking back, it makes sense. I was healing. And like any wound, you need to give yourself time to repair... as impatient and uncomfortable as you may be. Just let yourself be). 

Retracing my steps of how I got "here," things started to set in motion back in 2014. I could feel the climax building. And I just.. kept it down. Suppressed my emotions and feelings for the greater good of everyone around me. And then 2015 happened. 2015 emotionally slaughtered me. In every direction. From people I loved the most. From the people I gave everything to.

You know that saying... sometimes the people you love the most, hurt you the worst. 

Maybe part of me didn't want to give them the satisfaction of seeing how much they hurt me that I just.. went numb. I've also been told most of my life to not be so emotional or sensitive. So I learned in such a bad way to suppress my feelings. To be strong! 

But truth was, I was and have been.. brokenhearted by it all. My heart shattered. 

I was so hurt and mad. So angry. How could you? I.. trusted you. 
And no matter how much I twisted from it, I couldn't break free from this resentment and anger. I felt shackled to this ball of pain... only wanting to fly away. 

Oh how I've been wanting to fly. To break free. To set myself free. I mean if I can't be my own hero, who can be? And when that wasn't happening, I almost felt like I wanted to go to those who caused this pain and demand that they give back the pieces they took from me. Hold them accountable for their actions! 

And tonight, that's when it clicked. I couldn't break free and let go because I didn't want to. Not because I wanted to continue to feel mad but because I wanted them to be accountable. And it wasn't fair they get to just walk away. 

But I finally heard the universe. 

It's not up to me to make them own up or take responsibility. In the haze of my own pain, I forgot that they're suffering too. They have been hurting for a long long time. Far before I even came into the picture. And through their own internal struggles, their lens became unfocused. And their decisions made from the very fears they've been trying to run away from. Hurt people hurt others. I have done the same. 

I realized, I no longer want to be part of that cycle. I no longer want to perpetuate that negative energy. And suddenly none of the pettiness mattered. It had always been petty only magnified through narrow perspectives and ego. All of it unworthy of any of my attention or time. 

Bye Felicia. 
Girl aint got time for that. 

................................


Even though I knew I didn't want to hold on to anger anymore and forgiving someone is the best way to do that, I just couldn't do it. I had to untangle the knots of my own past experiences and why I personally couldn't forgive. And the key really was because of my need to have that person stop that behavior and realize the error in their ways so they don't hurt others. Judge and jury basically. 

The moment I said that out loud tonight, I immediately felt the release. It's not my responsibility. Just like only I can set myself free, the same goes for those who hurt me and everyone else who they will encounter. Everyone has their own trials to go through in their own time. Some never realize it or come to terms with their demons. 

But the beauty of life is that it will give you chance after chance to feel the light. And that light is love. The same love that created the universe and everything wonderful in it.. just for you. The love that you were born with. The love that you didn't have to do a damn thing to earn or be worthy of. It's always been there, unconditional.. overflowing... all around you. The love is of you and comes from you. That's why it never goes empty!

And when you accept that love, you step into the light. 
The light lifts you. 
You are weightless.
And that's when you can soar because.. you're free. 

I believe that's what they call peace.